Room for improvement

so...
i have decided to direct my attention to the increasingly squalid conditions in which i live and re decorate my room.
this seemed like a good idea some 2 weeks ago and still does deep down while im sanding away at the ceiling with the power sander and inhaling what is almost certainly carcinogenic dust as it falls in vast quantities from the ceiling.
truth be told i should have listened to fat john when he said in his infinite wisdom "plastering ceilings is very difficult" and yes i should have listened to the man in jewsons when he said in his learned opinion "plastering ceilings is a bitch of a job" but no. in my arrogance i blundered through and 2 weeks and 12 litres of 'b&q plaster repair and skim' later and where there once were horrible artex stalagmites there is a lovely smooth ceiling.. well pretty smooth.
next on the engender is choosing a colour. this sounds easy but turns out to be a lot more difficult that you'd think.
i wanted green and white because i like those colours however you cant just go in to the shop and have a 'tin of green' no, they have some lovely lime zest 4 or you could have some forest fern 6? or maybe if those don't take your fancy a splash of kiwi dive 2 can never go a miss....
this is insane! even white isn't a simple process, theres hessian white, creme white , rum white, kiwi white and i could easily go on so i will lemon zest white, lime white, aqua white blah blah blah.
as you may have realised i am obsessed with perfection with these kind of things so it will undoubtedly be a masterpiece when i do decide on a paint but seeing as the ceiling has taken 2 weeks i shudder to think how long my ambitions plans of an insane desk with computer screens rising up from it will take.

Apples

so...
I was wondering about apples today. Not the delicious kind, but the smug over priced ones you find in pretentious artily laid out shops.
basically i was thinking, is there anything only those computers can do.
sure the confident clerk with his thick rimed spectacles and fashionable face fungus will tell you that 'its unlike any computer' and 'it takes your computing experience to a whole new level' but to be honest its just another computer, granted its nice and shiny and it seems a bit stronger than the old plastic one but at the end of the day the cheap o Asus one does seem to be able to perform the same tasks with comparable ease.
now i have spent some time thinking of anything the apple can do that the windows cant and then it struck me!
the one thing that the apple can do and the windows cannot.
this

       
( alt,shift,K )

yay.

Pretentiousness

So…

Its happened, it was only a matter of time really, inevitable if you will but its happened now, and there’s no going back, I have reached a new level of pretentiousness.

I am of course talking to you from an American franchised food outlet to which I have brought my apple laptop and am connected to the free Wi-Fi service in order to BLOG.

This to me does seem to be the most pretentious a person can be with ought ACTUALLY moving to Cambridge, buying a knitted cardigan and growing a beard but to be honest in the words of out lord and saviour ‘I can see the appeal’ because as a means of killing time I can certainly think of a lot worse.

The only downside is that I am adding ‘southwest sauce’ to the growing list of things that are in my keyboard which is going to become a problem in the near future but this aside the American franchised food establishment is winning me over as a place to be pretentious. Its definitely better than the train as my only worries here are spilling food on my computer where as on the train there’s missing your stop to worry about not to mention the risk of knife wielding terrorists with bombs made from sun cream (if you read the daily mail that is)

No, the only thing stopping me from staying here all day in fact is the realisation that I have now killed more than enough time and am now running a bit late!

So time to upload this baby to the net using the reliable public wi-f… oh

oh well, it was good while it lasted!

grab a cuppa, heres a biscuit

So...

today iv been trying to be a comedy writer, i wrote this article for news biscuit
do enjoy

Germany to change its national anthem to Fleetwood mac.

Following another formula 1 victory by Sebastian Vettel the German president Christian Wulff has decided to push for a change of the increasingly familiar German national anthem in favour of Fleetwood mac’s “the chain”.

This is not the first time the issue of the German national anthem has been raised. The Germans have dominated formula 1 for years with Michael Schumacher being the first to put the old national anthem’s play count through the roof.

                                          above, seb celebrates change in national anthem

Mick Fleetwood has made a statement saying “believe me this news has not gone over my head, I am aware that the eyes of the world will be on this news and I will not simply be closing my eyes to it. The way I feel about the situation is that although the song is miles away from the original the people of Germany will not be dissatisfied with it.” Fleetwood also spoke about the conspiracy that he had made a deal with the German president to plug his records “I’m not going through this all over again” he said when questioned about it “I don’t know why people keep going on about it, we just wanted to help Germany update its image but oh well, the anthem is being changed and they’re never going back again”

Bernie Eecclestone has applauded the decision and stated “I’m glad the Germans have decided to update their national anthem, frankly I’m sick of it and so are the band”

The original anthem has been used since 1922 so is long overdue for a change.

In 1966 there were talks of changing it to the match of the day song but it was later dropped.

A small group of German traditionalists have protested against the change, arguing that changing the national anthem will break the chain of German history.

Wulff has spoken out against the protesters saying “the protesters are running in the shadows of yesterday and need to learn to love Germany or else they may never love it again” he added “the chain keeps us together and will be a great national anthem for our fine country”

People in favour of the change have said that the sky is the limit for Germany, suggesting a change of the flag to a more chequered arrangement and the name of the country to Fleetwood Germany, but as yet these claims have been dismissed as rumours.

To see it on news biscuit have a look here ->  http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24810

and who knows, maby on the front page in weeks to come!

BIG NEWS! (nothings changed)

So...
the UK has firmly denied the alternative vote in favor of the age old system that brought us such delight as Margaret thatcher and the good old lib dem/tory coalition.
to be fair to first past the post it is a tried and tested method and in most cases it does work and to be honest the only reason i voted yes was a vain attempt to 'fight the power' but id still like to see if it would work.
but when i come to power THIS is how we will do it.
all the party leaders will have to go into the big brother house of commons and perform tasks such as 'reduce the deficit' and 'improve the NHS' then each week the public will vote one off and the last one remaining after however many weeks it takes will run the country until the next series.
the system will be called 'big society' not to be confused with 'THE big society' which is a crazy ploy by david cameron in which we wants us to buy LITERALLY EVERYTHING.

twitter

so..
I dont understand twitter.
now i could just stop there, leave it at that, i don't understand twitter and it is unlikely i ever will.
but no, il carry on.
to me it seems the world of 'social networking' if thats what its even called these days is going steadily in reverse.
i mean first we had myspace (which i never understood either) in which users would have the freedom to create their own little website using advanced java script techniques and showcase their photos, interests and any other personal information they desired in their own little bit of the internet.
then came bebo (which i will confess having been bullied into getting) which was basically a simpler version of myspace with less freedom and with less features or capability to change the look of your little profile.
then came facebook (which my collage colleagues actually signed me up to against my will and forced me to comply by threatening to harass all my mates in my name unless i engaged in 'facebooking') as it turns out facebook is simply bebo with even less features and even more pointless information about your fellow facebooker such as "rosie austin is painting a wall" or "fiona cornford is drinking iced tea" (both taken from the opening page of my facebook today)
now i suppose the point of all this is that you can share your photos and send messages about them which is all very jolly and 'fun' however, twitter is one small step back for social networking and a giant retreat for the poor user, because as far as i can make out you cant do photos on twitter!
so all you are left with is such gems as "steven fry is driving his fucking taxi" and "john terry is still a total plank"
so i am confused as to where this is all going, surely the next progression is 'Addressbook" where users simply record the names of people they know and nothing else?
i am aware that i sound like an old man but seriously? is this good?
twitter dosent even give you enough characters to write a decent length rant!
if i made a social networking site (and i wouldn't because i hate them) it would be 'lets all meet up for real like we used to book' in which users would just be given a random postcode of a pub or a park and a time at which to meet and everyone would just go outside and have fun..
but then i am VERY cynical..

happy blogging!

Progress

So...
Just a quick one to notify the world (well some of it) that all hope is not lost
today a clear sign of progress in the human race became apparent, my mum and my brother (the two most incapable people i have ever met) successfully managed to bump started a car with only 2 phone calls to me asking "what do i do the car doesn't work!?!"
this is reassuring to people like me who would rather walk home than call the dreaded 'de-masculinisation service' that is the AA.

there is light at the end of the tunnel for the playstation generation..